one year ago we began to count the days
by the number of people that died across the sea
one month later we were counting solitude two weeks at a time when we should’ve been counting by years
we counted on one another to sacrifice so we could count on the survival of most
few counted alone, solitary confinement, crying during the nightly death toll
many found themselves in smaller and smaller homes trying to teach while attending zoom meeting after zoom meeting, an overloaded calendar only to find that they couldn’t count on anyone’s help
some found themselves tearing off their mask and screaming in a cashiers face
getting on a plane because they can’t be counted on to postpone their superfluous plans
they counted their experience in instagram followers and by faceless deaths ignored
it was one year ago the people said I’d be lucky to be alone not having anyone to count on and here I am one year later recalling those words of painful ignorance and heartbreaking loneliness after counting more days like months and counting the year by scarce moments of human connection
our world is drowning & every day more people are more alone
hearts break daily over video calls and too many text messages unsent
we suffocate when we are together and we suffocate when we are alone because these days we count our days by minutes equaling weeks and our months in unread obituaries by the thousands
i am struggling to count anymore
each time i count it becomes harder and harder
who will go uncounted, who will stop counting and who already has
you can count on this
i would struggle through solitary counting days and minutes and months upon months if it means more of us can count on one another as our brothers and sisters one year from today
i hope i can count on you
i’ve been dreaming of my funeral
it starts
as i’ve forgotten the last
each one, new
completely empty seats
open doors inviting a cool fall breeze
golden red and orange leaves swirl outside
a few scatter across the floor
one by one people arrive
silent except
the crunching of the occasional leaf
a red leaf crunches
they sit in the rear
an orange leaf crunching
they stand on the side
it continues
the room can never fill
it’s only ever one person in the room
seated in the center
head down
never looking up at the crunch of a leaf
the man remains alone
my funeral never begins
the man never departs
the leaves continue to crunch
the moment
it ends
realization i’ve dreamt this before.
at every road i turn
i am caught, staring at ghosts
the river flows below me
a fuzzy face
someone i never knew
but the ghost haunts me
i turn again
hopeful to see memories
positive and hopeful
but ghosts lurk, haunting
each corner
each stop
ghosts all around
the sun sets behind some trees
long shadows highlight more
ghosts around the corner
they are everywhere
ghost after ghost
how do i return
to a town full of my ghosts
i cannot look away
i watch my brother bleed
his blood drips from him
through my fingers
i hold him trying to cover each bullet hole
but i cannot look him in the eyes
to tell him he is loved
when the blood comes from his back
pooling around us, covering us both
i am told to step away
to stop looking in his eyes
to ignore his pain
to wash away his blood
and imagine his crimes
which are screamed at him as he bleeds
and told of his misdeeds
and why he deserved this fate
my eyes are swollen with tears as i mouth i love him
because he is my brother &
i cannot look away
i saw a girl today on my screen
& she looked just like you
teeth too big with eyes to match
but so perfect & cute,
just like you
she came to my screen & laughed
a chuckle, that went on … & on,
just like you
she looked at the screen the way you used to look at me
but she was still looking,
which isn’t like you
the longer I looked,
the more her eyes reminded me of you
sad & lonely
& the more that she laughed
i realized what she was covering up
just like you
the girl on my screen
will never be you
but, she is still there
which isn’t like you.
she is as a dream
flowing in and out
as she cares.
a regular visitor
to my dreamworld,
welcome anytime.
her presence is calming
and welcome
as she joins me
in my dreamworld.
my heart palpatates
with excitement
as her perfect presence joins.
she is always just out,
beyond my emotional
and metaphysical, reach.
it is often she joins me
brightening my dream,
perfecting it.
i dream of my dream girl,
a regular addition
to my dreamworld.
the snowflakes began to fall
one by one
they hit the ground, piled and slowly disappeared
one by one
the sun had been shining
as it always did this time of year
& the snow was a surprise
prepared for sun, surprised by snow
the people gathered
at the evaporating snow
looking at each one
disappearing on the ground
as more people gathered
the more people were in disbelief
how could it snow today when the sun is shining
these were not snowflakes, just dew that appeared
the people argued
snow couldn’t fall, impossible
the snow never melted, impossible
& so they agreed the snow never fell
the snowflakes,
easy to ignore
as they disappear
one by one
no obituaries written
for snow that never fell
for the snow was just dew
because the snow was impossible
it’s been a few days without sirens outside my window
they have been there every night
dog teams chasing, ten car responses
and one night
a man
holding his child, just after an accident
the child, still,
looking up at his father when he’s put on the ground
a police officer
tries to calm the man,
helped by taking the child
giving the man his space
he had been walking
up and down the street for some time
shouting into the night about his children in the car
The pain was palpable.
the scene was just out of view
lights flashing slowing the late night traffic
midnight dog walkers gawking
the man was just feet away for me on the sidewalk
grabbing his hair
pacing, breathing heavy, screaming
totally lost
heartbroken
there was nothing i could do
an outside observer
of this horrible moment for this family
his pain
all i wanted to do was reach out
but knew i coudln’t, there was nothing i could do
his heart, his world, shattering
right outside my window
today the sun didn’t shine
the world woke up in total darkness
and no one knew where the sun was
the moon had smiled through the night and her job was done
but the sun was missing.
little flower in the grove didn’t lift his head
because he didn’t know where to look
the shadows on the trees couldn’t grow
so what would they do all day?
all because the sun didn’t shine.
the shadows began searching
when they came across the little flower in the grove
they said “little flower, without the sun won’t you lift your head today”
little flower, looking down “if the sun doesn’t shine
why would i look up and let everyone see my petals?
it’s only when the sun shines can you see all my colors”
the shadows, sad not to see the little flower today
kept looking for the sun and went to the moon
“moon, the sun never came out to shine
without her sunshine little flower in the grove won’t lift his head”
moon thought, concerned as little flowers colors helped her smile.
the moon and the shadows went together searching for the sun
when they found the hidden sun, her shine was dimmed
“sun why didn’t you come out to shine today?”
sun looked at the moon and the shadows, surprised at their visit
“i was missed when i didn’t shine today?”
“the little flower in the grove wouldn’t lift his head because all his colors wouldn’t show,
and as shadows of the trees we wouldn’t grow”
sun looked to the moon, her sunshine lighting the moon’s smile
“moon i had hidden away but still you smile when i shine”
“your sunshine helps my smile beam
your sunshine helps the shadows grow
and your sunshine brings out all the colors on little flower.”
sun looked at the moon and the shadows
knowing without her shine the moon’s smile wouldn’t shine
and the shadows on the trees wouldn’t grow
and little flower wouldn’t show all his colors.
sun returned to her position, shining on the grove.
little flower raised his head
“sun your return lets my colors all show”
and that was the day
the sun didn’t shine.
i was dreaming
and i wish we could go back
to the day that we first met.
i was thinking of reliving
the moment i saw you
except this time i’d turn away.
i woke from the dream
paniked and concerned.
my eyes darted
around the dark room
relieved when i realized
you were still gone.
our time was a dream
and in dream i mean nightmare
i wish i could turn from.
it took a lot of dreaming
nightmares to survive
to realize
i should have turned away.
poetry & written word by m.o.carney 